Let's Go Drinkin

Oh how our world has changed!  In just the last century we've gone from one of the drunkest presidents of all time, Teddy Roosevelt, to prohibition and then back to a laissez faire attitude in this country concerning drinking.  Now today we're back to the point where organizations like MADD have given drinking a much worse rap than it deserves.

Let us decipher the name Mothers Against Drunk Driving:

1. Mothers.  That implies that somewhere within this organization women are involved somewhere in some capacity.

2. Against. Against can be an okay word on its own until women are involved.  Once you give a woman something to complain about you can be sure that there will be lots of crying and bickering involved.  Their complaining will ultimately lead to men being involved because eventually they will be forced to agree to end the nagging.

3. Drunk Men. Whenever you see an ad on television warning against drunk driving and how the police are cracking down ten times out of ten it's a man being arrested.  Men are always the slothful, irresponsible ones who are always drinking one too many before heading home, while women get to have glamorous cocaine addictions and eating disorders.  I call bullshit.  In fact I'm going to rename this section 'Men'.

4. Driving.  90% of women can't drive sober, who are they to decide who is allowed and who isn't allowed to drive home from the bar.

So now Mothers Against Drunk Driving is officially known as Mothers Against Men Driving; which is what it really is.  It's organizations like this that degrade the good name of drinking and are unable to associate the delicious consumption of alcohol with anything except for sex and violence.

For example: Why is it the rule of thumb that if you do something horrible while drinking (like burning down an orphanage) you automatically have a drinking problem?  Whatever happened to the guy that burns down an orphanage just being an asshole?  If this situation were to actually happen the news headline would probably look something like this:

DRUNK MAN BURNS DOWN ORPHANAGE!

When it should probably look more like this:

ASSHOLE KILLS A BUNCH OF KIDS!

Now I ask this of you: What if I'm driving home drunk one night when I stumble across a burning bus that just happens to be filled with nuns.  Empowered by my extreme inebriation I'm able to save each and every one of them.  What would the headline read then?

The Walmartization of America

 

A hot topic in the news lately has been the so-called Walmartization of America; where established local businesses across the country are run out of business by large corporations like Wal-Mart who can afford to charge substantially less than Mom and Pop stores .

What makes Wal-Mart able to afford these cheap prices is the low pay for their millions of employees as well as their lack of benefits of any kind.  What results is a class of working, impoverished people, who are threatened with being fired even when even mentioning the idea of unionizing.  It's an American travesty that should be regulated by the federal government.

And that's not even the worst of it...

The worst thing is that Wal-Mart sells too much stuff and it's all so cheap.  Wonderfully, wonderfully cheap.  If there one real complaint that I have against Wal-Mart it's that their selection is too enormous.  This leads to the absolute worst tragedy: awkward situations for me at the checkout counter.

Here's an example of my Wal-Mart shopping list:

Lava soap, ham steaks, some twizzlers, a pair of fake diamond earrings, a box of Count Chocula, a lamp shade, a bright pink winter coat, some patio furniture, a gallon of milk, new kitchenware, a hamster wheel, a box of condoms and Mad Max on DVD.

Now when I slide these items onto the conveyor belt, there's a moment there between me and the overweight woman behind the counter where we make eye contact.  It's almost magic really.  Then just as I'm about to kiss pay her she says." What the fuck kind of freaky party are you having tonight?"

Chain Letters

IN 1984 ON THIS VERY NIGHT A SMALL GIRL WENT INTO THE FOREST AND SHE DECIDED TO TAKE A DUMP AND THEN A GHOST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND SNAPPED THE GIRLS NECK BECAUSE SHE WAS A JEW. LEGENDS SAY THE GHOST STILL ROAMS THE FOREST TO THIS DAY.

IF YOU DO NOT REPOST THIS IN 5 MINUTES THEN THE GHOHST WILL ATTACK YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR MOM WILL GET SCARED AND SAY "YOU'RE MOVIN WITH YOUR AUNTIE AND UNCLE IN BEL-AIR"

I WHISTLED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR THE LISENCEPLATE SAID "FRESH" ADN THERE WERE DICE IN THE MIRROR. IF ANYTHING I COULD SAY THAT THIS CAB WAS RARE BUT I THOUGHT "NAW, FORGET IT, YO HOLMES, TO BEL-AIR!!" I PULLED UP TO THE HOUSE AT ABOUT 7 OR 8 AND I YELLED OUT TO THE CABBIE "YO HOLMES, SMELL YA LATER!" LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM I WAS FINALLY THERE, TO SETTLE MY THRONE AS THE PRINCE OF BEL-AIR.

I received this letter today on MySpace and was immediately appalled. What happened to the chain letters of old? Interesting stories will REAL results, like that $5,000 my parents told me I got when I was sleeping when I was 8.

Let’s keep it real here. 90% of people on MySpace, including myself, have never seen the year 1984. In fact, anything I know about 1984 I learned on “I Love the 80’s”; hell, I don’t even know if there were Jews in 1984, or girls for that matter. For all I know girls were genetically designed and released on May 11^th, 1985 because of the success of Cabbage Patch dolls.

Chain letters also used to have a slight hint of believability to them. An anti-semantic ghost wandering around an inconspicuous forest snapping the necks of girls taking a ‘dump’ has more than likely never happened. And even if it had, the writer of this chain letter continues with:

IF YOU DO NOT REPOST THIS IN 5 MINUTES THEN THE GHOHST WILL ATTACK YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR MOM WILL GET SCARED AND SAY "YOU'RE MOVIN WITH YOUR AUNTIE AND UNCLE IN BEL-AIR"

Seriously, if there’s an anti-semantic ghost running around the forest snapping the necks of unsuspecting Jewish girls, this is no time for jokes; especially incredibly played out jokes in reference to a decade-old sitcom.

The Reign of the TiVo

Ok, I admit it, I'm a TiVo addict.  I refuse to watch a show live anymore.  I'd rather wait until it's done and fast forward through the commercials.  However, due to the lack of programming over the summer, I've decided that I'd let my TiVo choose the majority of my programs to watch over the summer.

You see, TiVo has this nifty little feature called "TiVo Suggestions" which analyzes your viewing habits and records shows based on what it thinks you may like.  My TiVo correctly pegged me as a Sci-Fi junkie which also appreciates the occasional corny 80s Game Show.  However, this got me thinking...  Is my TiVo learning my behaviors to better serve me, or to destroy me?

The knowledge of my TV viewing habits could be very valuable, knowing what shows would have me so engrossed in them, that ANYTHING could be going on in the background, outside, even IN MY HOUSE without me knowing.  I am now convinced that my TiVo is participating in a vast conspiracy, which could only be masterminded by David Hasselhoff (or Chuck Norris.. I haven't figured that part out yet) to take over the world.

My attempts to infiltrate the evil TiVo underworld have failed so far.  I am still attempting to gain membership into this evil website so that I may gain their trust, and then overthrow their leader (the evil Hasselhoff).

I will keep you informed as my mission progresses.  Please wish me luck, our future depends on it.

Recently a friend of a friend has had to give away his dog to an animal adoption center because he had a small child in the house. Allegedly the dog was “attacking” the child and nearly “killed” him, bunch of anti-canine propaganda if you ask me. So being the child-hating/dog-loving person that I am I asked why didn’t he just give away his kid to a child adoption center and keep the dog? Compare an animal adoption center to an orphanage: in six weeks if no one adopts the dog, they’re going to put it down; in six weeks if no one adopts your kid, he’ll probably just develop a drug habit later in life. Now you decide which is better.

After he kicked me out of his house, I decided that once and for all I was going to prove that dogs are better than kids in just about every possible way. Here’s a short list of reasons why I would rather have a dog than a kid any day:

1. Dogs don’t talk back.

2. Dogs love you unconditionally.

3. Dogs don’t cry if you have a drinking problem.

4. Dogs are easier to housetrain.

5. Dogs don’t go to college.

6. Dogs smell better than kids.

7. Dogs only last 10 or 15 years, kids last like SEVENTY.

8. You only have to buy a dog 2 or 3 toys and they’re happy.

9. Dogs will attack someone if they break into your house.

Now I don’t know about all of you, but one of my favorite things to pass the time on the weekend is to take a nice long 6 hour flight to Los Angeles and then take long leisurely strolls along the Pacific Coast Highway at one in the morning. It may seem weird to you, but different strokes for different folks. Early last Saturday morning, I was fortunate enough to be the one and only eye witness to the DUI arrest of the one and only Mel Gibson.

News outlets across the world have been going nuts over Mr. Gibson’s actions during his arrest, which included an attempt to escape, resisting arrest, and there’s a whisper or two that he may have uttered a racial slur. I, as the one and only unbiased eyewitness to the arrest, am here to set the record straight about the Mel Gibson arrest. First of all, there have been reports that Mel Gibson tried to ‘lunge away from the arresting officer in an attempt to escape’. This couldn’t be further from the truth. What really happened was Mr. Gibson saw an elderly nun crossing the road and he lunged away from the officer, but also towards the nun; pushing her out of the way of a speeding Hummer. That makes Mel a hero in my book, because if there’s one thing this world can’t afford to lose, it’s elderly nuns to speeding Hummers.

When Mr. Gibson was pulled over he was traveling at over 80mph in a 45mph zone and photos have surfaced of him at several parties on the night of his arrest; so one might think that he was most likely heading to another party. Well you’d be wrong again, what Mel Gibson was actually driving to was a late night children’s leukemia benefit where he was to be auctioned off for a date to the highest bidder. Because he didn’t show, no one at the benefit donated any money; in fact one woman even wished death upon all kids with leukemia due to his absence.

Other reports from Mr. Gibson’s arrest stated that he said anti-Semitic slurs and phrases such as “Are you a Jew?” and “Jews are the cause of all the wars in the world” to his arresting officer. Lucky for you, I’m here to set the record straight. What Mel Gibson actually said was “Are you booze?” and “Booze is the cause of all the wars in the world”. That first statement makes very little sense at all, but that’s probably because he was extremely in drunk. However, the second phrase may actually make a little sense. I mean lots of people get into fights involving alcohol, maybe the word ‘war’ was a little over the top, but given his extremely inebriated state it seems totally believable.

So for all you Gibson haters out there, it’s time to let the old guy off the hook. He’s nothing but a rich, cancer fighting, drunken, booze-hater who would like nothing more than to recruit you to the Roman Catholic faith.

Theerisnorealupdatetodaybecausesomeonestolemyspacebar.

Ifanyonehasseenitpleasetellthemtobringitbackassoonaspossible.

Seriouslythisisnojoke,ifyouarethepersonwhostoleitpleasereturnittome.

Iamsadwithoutmyspacebar.

I Recommend

I recommend…

To the City of Boston. The Big Dig cost $15,000,000,000 to build and its principle purpose was to add a more direct route to the airport from outside of Boston. I recommend that you return the Big Dig and use that 15 billion to build 4 new airports.

To the first Russian person I ever meet. I recommend that you say ‘Moose and Squirrel’ immediately, if you don’t I’m going to ask you to over and over.

To girls on MySpace. Quit hiding your ugly faces behind a pair of giant sunglasses, if your face is too hideous to be seen on the internet, don’t post it.

To the heat wave in the northeast. Seriously quit it, or I will wage a war against Mother Nature that this world has never seen the likes of.

To police stations with officers on bikes/rollerblades or any other recreation device. If all I have to do is run away on grass/into the woods/down a steep hill to get away from you, perhaps I’ll commit more crimes.

Places I've Never Been: Prison Edition

Prison is another one of those places I’ve never been, but if you’re looking to meet some ‘interesting’ people, there’s no better place in the world than prison. Prisons offer such amenities as free food, free bed, state of the art stainless steel toilets and I’ve even heard they have softball leagues. Sounds like fantasy camp to me. So for all of you out there looking for a getaway, here are a few easy steps at going to prison.

First of all, you cannot buy a ticket to prison. The only way to get in is to commit a crime, believe me I’ve tried to get in without committing a crime (which itself may be a crime) and it’s not possible. Some of you might say that you have attributes such as ‘morals’ and ‘values’ that keep you from committing crimes to get into prison, but you’ve got to throw all of those out the window for your dream vacation.

Next, make sure the crime you’re committing is ‘good’ enough to get you into prison. Pussyfooting around with shoplifting and petty theft won’t get you where you want to go, while murder may result in a longer than anticipated stay. I would recommend something along the line of aggravated assault or grand theft. Those have minimum sentences that should put you on the path to the perfect amount of time.

Most importantly, make sure that you throw a fit when in court. Don’t accept any plea bargains and especially be sure to not hire your own lawyer. Lawyers cost money, and this vacation is all about getting free stuff. Also a lawyer may not understand your desire to go to prison and may inadvertently keep you OUT of prison. When arguing your case, be sure to go off topic as often as possible and call out ‘Objection’ as loudly and dramatically as humanly possible whenever you see fit. It’s also okay to call objections on yourself. These steps should help insure a speedy trial that will certainly result in a prison sentence. As the guards haul your ass off to prison yell that everyone will ‘live to regret this’ for dramatics sake. Calling your judge an asshole might help too.

If you follow these three easy steps, you should find yourself in prison in no time. Kick back, drink some water, eat a few slices of bread, convert to Islam and enjoy the best vacation money can’t buy.