Recently a friend of a friend has had to give away his dog to an animal adoption center because he had a small child in the house. Allegedly the dog was “attacking” the child and nearly “killed” him, bunch of anti-canine propaganda if you ask me. So being the child-hating/dog-loving person that I am I asked why didn’t he just give away his kid to a child adoption center and keep the dog? Compare an animal adoption center to an orphanage: in six weeks if no one adopts the dog, they’re going to put it down; in six weeks if no one adopts your kid, he’ll probably just develop a drug habit later in life. Now you decide which is better.

After he kicked me out of his house, I decided that once and for all I was going to prove that dogs are better than kids in just about every possible way. Here’s a short list of reasons why I would rather have a dog than a kid any day:

1. Dogs don’t talk back.

2. Dogs love you unconditionally.

3. Dogs don’t cry if you have a drinking problem.

4. Dogs are easier to housetrain.

5. Dogs don’t go to college.

6. Dogs smell better than kids.

7. Dogs only last 10 or 15 years, kids last like SEVENTY.

8. You only have to buy a dog 2 or 3 toys and they’re happy.

9. Dogs will attack someone if they break into your house.