Now I don’t know about all of you, but one of my favorite things to pass the time on the weekend is to take a nice long 6 hour flight to Los Angeles and then take long leisurely strolls along the Pacific Coast Highway at one in the morning. It may seem weird to you, but different strokes for different folks. Early last Saturday morning, I was fortunate enough to be the one and only eye witness to the DUI arrest of the one and only Mel Gibson.

News outlets across the world have been going nuts over Mr. Gibson’s actions during his arrest, which included an attempt to escape, resisting arrest, and there’s a whisper or two that he may have uttered a racial slur. I, as the one and only unbiased eyewitness to the arrest, am here to set the record straight about the Mel Gibson arrest. First of all, there have been reports that Mel Gibson tried to ‘lunge away from the arresting officer in an attempt to escape’. This couldn’t be further from the truth. What really happened was Mr. Gibson saw an elderly nun crossing the road and he lunged away from the officer, but also towards the nun; pushing her out of the way of a speeding Hummer. That makes Mel a hero in my book, because if there’s one thing this world can’t afford to lose, it’s elderly nuns to speeding Hummers.

When Mr. Gibson was pulled over he was traveling at over 80mph in a 45mph zone and photos have surfaced of him at several parties on the night of his arrest; so one might think that he was most likely heading to another party. Well you’d be wrong again, what Mel Gibson was actually driving to was a late night children’s leukemia benefit where he was to be auctioned off for a date to the highest bidder. Because he didn’t show, no one at the benefit donated any money; in fact one woman even wished death upon all kids with leukemia due to his absence.

Other reports from Mr. Gibson’s arrest stated that he said anti-Semitic slurs and phrases such as “Are you a Jew?” and “Jews are the cause of all the wars in the world” to his arresting officer. Lucky for you, I’m here to set the record straight. What Mel Gibson actually said was “Are you booze?” and “Booze is the cause of all the wars in the world”. That first statement makes very little sense at all, but that’s probably because he was extremely in drunk. However, the second phrase may actually make a little sense. I mean lots of people get into fights involving alcohol, maybe the word ‘war’ was a little over the top, but given his extremely inebriated state it seems totally believable.

So for all you Gibson haters out there, it’s time to let the old guy off the hook. He’s nothing but a rich, cancer fighting, drunken, booze-hater who would like nothing more than to recruit you to the Roman Catholic faith.