Places I've Never Been: Prison Edition

Prison is another one of those places I’ve never been, but if you’re looking to meet some ‘interesting’ people, there’s no better place in the world than prison. Prisons offer such amenities as free food, free bed, state of the art stainless steel toilets and I’ve even heard they have softball leagues. Sounds like fantasy camp to me. So for all of you out there looking for a getaway, here are a few easy steps at going to prison.

First of all, you cannot buy a ticket to prison. The only way to get in is to commit a crime, believe me I’ve tried to get in without committing a crime (which itself may be a crime) and it’s not possible. Some of you might say that you have attributes such as ‘morals’ and ‘values’ that keep you from committing crimes to get into prison, but you’ve got to throw all of those out the window for your dream vacation.

Next, make sure the crime you’re committing is ‘good’ enough to get you into prison. Pussyfooting around with shoplifting and petty theft won’t get you where you want to go, while murder may result in a longer than anticipated stay. I would recommend something along the line of aggravated assault or grand theft. Those have minimum sentences that should put you on the path to the perfect amount of time.

Most importantly, make sure that you throw a fit when in court. Don’t accept any plea bargains and especially be sure to not hire your own lawyer. Lawyers cost money, and this vacation is all about getting free stuff. Also a lawyer may not understand your desire to go to prison and may inadvertently keep you OUT of prison. When arguing your case, be sure to go off topic as often as possible and call out ‘Objection’ as loudly and dramatically as humanly possible whenever you see fit. It’s also okay to call objections on yourself. These steps should help insure a speedy trial that will certainly result in a prison sentence. As the guards haul your ass off to prison yell that everyone will ‘live to regret this’ for dramatics sake. Calling your judge an asshole might help too.

If you follow these three easy steps, you should find yourself in prison in no time. Kick back, drink some water, eat a few slices of bread, convert to Islam and enjoy the best vacation money can’t buy.