My Trip to the Secret Hobo Village

The hobo is an established American tradition. Our less fortunate brothers in rags have the ability to make even the most mundane of dates freak-tastic and interesting. With their long raggedy beards and incoherent sentences, hobos have made themselves one of the most recognizable American figures. Some hobos have made it to the big time; such as Wesley Willis and Mel Gibson. So you maybe able to understand the excitement I experienced when I found out there was a secret hobo village located behind the Price Copper nearby. Now what would I plan to do at the hobo village you may ask? Well at first I thought I may try to blend in; toss on some old clothes, roll around in the mud, develop a crack addiction for four or five years, and then live among them and learn their hobo ways. Or I could just walk in and see how they react to a suburban 20-something crashing their hobo party or on the other hand I could just forget about the whole thing and never explore the hobo village.

After some long days of thinking about this potentially life altering decision, I decided that the only way to properly do this was to crash their hobo party. I know some people may see this as a very dangerous and risky choice, but I really didn’t want to develop a crack addiction and I don’t think I could live with myself if I never saw the hobo village with my own two eyes.

So on a sunny Sunday afternoon I parked my car behind the Price Chopper and headed off into the woods. There was no discernable trail or path I could take to the hobo village, so I was pretty much winging it. After about 20 minutes of looking I was more than ready to give up; that was until I heard something fall behind me. From the sound I could tell that it was something light, I looked to see an apple core rolling across the dirt. Jackpot. I look to my right and I see exactly what I’m looking for, a hobo slumped against a tree. Now I don’t approach because I don’t want to startle him, apparently they attack when scared. So I must quietly walk past him as he glares at me every step of the way. I keep looking in the area of my first hobo encounter for the village for another five or ten minutes, and just when I was ready to pack my rag tied to the end of a stick I found what just had to be the hobo village.

Actually that’s a lie. Calling this place a ‘village’ would be an overstatement, a hideous hideous overstatement. It looked a lot more like the scene of an airplane crash; there was debris and fires scattered about and even a body or two. It was not long until I was spotted and became the target of hobo ramblings I could not understand, I don’t even think the other hobo’s could understand it, but they were all joining in. Then I was approached by what was clearly the Hobo leader. My life had just peaked.

He introduced himself as Hobonicus; at least that’s what I could make out from what he was saying. He said that he landed here on Earth in the year 2062 when he was expelled from the Moon Corps for refusing to kill one of his own men. Now here on this planet he is gathering his own army behind Price Chopper to go back and seek his vengeance on the Moon Corps Commander Carl. This man was my idol. He sensed my admiration and asked me to join ‘la resistance’ and fight Command Carl along side with him. I enthusiastically agreed. Then I mentioned that I had forgotten my laser in my car and I just had to run and get it.

I got the hell out of there so fast you couldn’t believe it. MOON CORPS, what the fuck was this guy talking about? The guy’s name was Hobonicus for God’s sake; never trust anyone who’s name ends in ‘nicus’ because I can guarantee you it’s a fake and that the person is insane. If this story does one thing for you, it’s a testament to the dangers of smoking crack, or in some cases a testament to the awesomeness of smoking crack. Either way I came away from this experience having felt more enlightened than ever before on the world of hobo’s and a more complete person overall. I’m also the only one who knows the secret location of the secret hobo village and if you fancy yourself an adventure of hobo proportions, seek one out for yourself.