Childhood Games Gone Wrong

If you were anything like me you went to a lot of dumb birthday parties between ages 4 and 9 and if you’re even more like me these parties continued into your 20’s (except the girls dressed hotter, there was less flashlight tag, the presents were replaced with 30 packs and if the party ended in a sleepover if was a really good night). These parties included lots of funny hats, a gift that your parents bought and if you were lucky a hobo clown would make an appearance with some balloon animals and a shopping cart.

However, the best part of the party was always the party games, and not much has changed today. Instead of beer pong we had pin the tail on the donkey, instead of Edward 40-hands we had a piñata (Edward 40-hands is where you duct tape a 40oz to each of your hands, rendering you unable to urinate until you finish both). Remember, ages 4 through 9 are very impressionable ages and kids who taking these seemingly innocent party games too seriously can lead to life long problems

· Musical Chairs – be as selfish as possible. Take out anyone you have to in order to advance, and remember you don’t have time for this shit.

· Piñata - anyone who is colorful or different must be ritually beaten with a stick by a group of people. They also have candy inside them.

· Pin the Tail on the Donkey – stabbing wild animals in the ass is okay, as long as you’re blindfolded. Doesn’t matter if they attack, you won’t see it coming.

· Scavenger Hunt – a kiddie version of what inevitably leads to pictures of girls topless and statues of the Virgin Mary when you’re in your teens.

· Hot Potato – this isn’t my problem, you take care of it.

· Tag – eliminate the fat, weak, and stupid in the least amount of time.

One thing those parties as a kid lacked was that annoying kid who ended every sentence with ‘bro’ or ‘dude’ such as, “I just puked all over your bathroom wall bro!” Wow, thanks man, I always wanted to clean up someone else’s vomit, especially a person who has probably contracted Hepatitis A through E from all those hookers he’s been having over. But I guess him having hookers makes him an interesting person (because I don’t know many people that see hookers…ever), so I’m off to ritually beat him with a stick until he drops his sweet Hepatitis C…andy.