Saturday, May 19, 2007

Some of Us Have Been Waiting a Long Time for This

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Robots Won't Be Taking Over The Earth Anytime Soon

Ever since I saw Terminator, I've always been afraid that robots would take over the Earth. Thanks to Honda's "advanced" robot, I now know that won't be happening anytime soon.

Monday, December 18, 2006

All My Friends Are Black

There's been an awful lot of talk about racism and the like in comedy and writing lately because of a recent unfortunate event (A very special thanks to Chernobyl and their anti-nuclear fallout supremacist groups). But I'm here to let you all know that I for one am not a racist, in fact I'm so un-racist that ALL of my friends are black. In fact all of my readers (the 12 of you) are black too!

Some of my friends though, they're not as culturally sensitive as me and say that for various reasons they won't date a black woman. Not me though, I have experience in inter-racial relationships, after all keep in mind that all my friends, even the white ones, are black. I, in fact, have dated an African girl. Not an African-American, just African. She wore one of those lip weights, what a turn on. You would all be surprised how chatty a girl can be when she only speaks in clicks.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Bee Friendly

Tonight Yahoo ran a story glorifying the amazing lives of ex-cons and their new weapon to use against society, bees.

Here you see the face of evil.

But Sock, what could an ex-con do with bees? Well what the fuck couldn't they? Bees sting (which is irritating), they travel in swarms, and worship a queen is their quasi-socialist hive.

The worst part of the situation isn't even the bees, it's the suits of armor we're supplying them with. Not many of you know this, but bee keeper outfits are bullet proof, fire resistant, and most of all immune to bees. If we, as a society, don't put a stop to this molestation of our way of life all our nectar could be gone by next harvest.

If for some forsaken reason this bee/convict alliance is allowed to take place we must all prepare for the aftermath. First of all, build yourself a bee-proof shelter somewhere in your home. It will need steele reinforced concrete walls no less than four feet thick. Secondly, equip yourself with as many flame throwers as possible (purchased at your local Wal-Mart) because bees are really irritated by fire. Last but not least, dispose of all flowers if you care for your life. Alternatively, you can give lots and lots of flowers to people you don't like. Even if they're of the same sex; they won't be around to call you a homo after they're killed by the swarm.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Is a Life Saved By a Text Message Worth Saving?

Earlier this week a South Carolina teen's life was potentially saved when she used her cellular phone to send a text message to her mother while held against her will in a makeshift bunker.  The mother submitted the text message to police, who were able to track the location of the cell phone and rescue the girl.

In completely unrelated news here's a list of other things cell phones are good for:

Calling your mother

Calling the police

In an absolute exclusive, I have obtained a copy of the text message the young girl sent to her mother:

Sup mom!! Im lik ttlly traped in a hole rite n0w. Plz sav mi. <3 <3 <3 !!!xoxo

Monday, September 11, 2006

I'm an American Indian


Actually, no I'm not.  I'm the furthest thing from an American Indian, Native American, Choctaw, Cherokee or whatever.  I am however, sick an tired of people I know using their supposed Native American heritage as a right of passage to act however they want.  Here are a few examples of convenient times that people tend to bring up their Native American heritage.

1. Talking to girls.  That friend of yours, who you've known for your whole life, will somehow make the startling revelation that he is infact an American Indian when meeting chicks.  What a weird coincidence that he didn't realize he was Native American before this moment.  Here's a tip hotshot, girls don't care if your Native American or not, unless of course the girl is Native American and even that's not a guarantee. 

2.  Getting a tattoo.  Most people that claim to be of Native American heritage feel the need to get a tattoo representing the tribe that they feel they're a part of.  Did American Indians also get their tattoo's at a dingy place downtown where you could score coke and a blowjob next door?

3.  When you're sick.  Whenever you're sick and can't afford a doctors appointment, your Native American friend is always there to offer his advice.  Usually the advice consists of paying an expensive visit to his Uncle-in-law twice removed who just happens to be a shaman of some type.  There you'll enjoy a mixture of roots, green tea, and deer's blood that's guaranteed to make you feel like a million bucks... or as if your small intestine is trying to escape through your anus.  It all depends on your reaction to the deer's blood.

The fact of the matter is that many of the people you know who claim they are Native American aren't at all or have a VERY small amount of Native American 'blood' in them; and that blood actually comes from that guy your mother met after her divorce when she had that drinking problem.  Then again, it all depends on your reaction to the deer's blood. 

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Let's Go Drinkin

Oh how our world has changed!  In just the last century we've gone from one of the drunkest presidents of all time, Teddy Roosevelt, to prohibition and then back to a laissez faire attitude in this country concerning drinking.  Now today we're back to the point where organizations like MADD have given drinking a much worse rap than it deserves.

Let us decipher the name Mothers Against Drunk Driving:

1. Mothers.  That implies that somewhere within this organization women are involved somewhere in some capacity.

2. Against. Against can be an okay word on its own until women are involved.  Once you give a woman something to complain about you can be sure that there will be lots of crying and bickering involved.  Their complaining will ultimately lead to men being involved because eventually they will be forced to agree to end the nagging.

3. Drunk Men. Whenever you see an ad on television warning against drunk driving and how the police are cracking down ten times out of ten it's a man being arrested.  Men are always the slothful, irresponsible ones who are always drinking one too many before heading home, while women get to have glamorous cocaine addictions and eating disorders.  I call bullshit.  In fact I'm going to rename this section 'Men'.

4. Driving.  90% of women can't drive sober, who are they to decide who is allowed and who isn't allowed to drive home from the bar.

So now Mothers Against Drunk Driving is officially known as Mothers Against Men Driving; which is what it really is.  It's organizations like this that degrade the good name of drinking and are unable to associate the delicious consumption of alcohol with anything except for sex and violence.

For example: Why is it the rule of thumb that if you do something horrible while drinking (like burning down an orphanage) you automatically have a drinking problem?  Whatever happened to the guy that burns down an orphanage just being an asshole?  If this situation were to actually happen the news headline would probably look something like this:


When it should probably look more like this:


Now I ask this of you: What if I'm driving home drunk one night when I stumble across a burning bus that just happens to be filled with nuns.  Empowered by my extreme inebriation I'm able to save each and every one of them.  What would the headline read then?