Places I've Never Been

There are many places in this world which I would someday like to visit. Australia, Hawaii, and Southern Europe are just a fraction of the places I hope to see in my lifetime. However, there is one place I’d like to visit that many of you probably visited today, maybe even several times today.

I’m talking about the women’s restroom.

Forbidden paradise or my own personal hell? I have no idea. For years I’ve heard rumors from countless sources telling me everything from that there are couches in there to that the toilets are made from crystal. Are the stall doors wallpapered in gold? Because I’ve heard that too. From the information that I’ve gathered here’s what I can tell you about this elusive place.

As you walk in your feet are met with red velvet carpet and a shirtless doorman is there to greet you as your ears are filled with low tempo jazz. To your right is a wall lined with pink feather boas as well as a full length mirror that is curved to make even the most grotesque of women feel flattered. On your left are three sinks in a solid diamond countertop. The sinks, rather than pumping ordinary water, stream out a mixture of Evian and Fiji waters that is soft to the touch. Looking to your far left are automatic dispensers holding every fragrance of hand and foot lotion available. To your far right is a single stall, with a French door rather than the steel one we are used too. Occupying the single stall is a line of at least 12 other women waiting to use it as well, all of them tapping their feet impatiently. Once inside the stall, instead of racist/ call this number for a good time messages, the walls are lined with Robert Frost poems. As you use the stall a midget is present to rub your feet for you and a speaker behind you whispers sweet nothings into your ear.

Well that’s all I know and from all the research I’ve done I can tell its pretty much fact. After all, this may explain why they always go in groups.