Dear My Soon To Be Nerdy Friends

So you just graduated from high school and you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Hooray, I don’t have to care about being liked or popular anymore because all people do at college is smoke weed and play hacky sack all day.” Sorry my friend, you’re wrong. You will still have to keep up appearances in an all new society, one where the people are more judgmental, less patient, and much much more attractive. Welcome to the Internet.

You may think to yourself, “No, way man. I never spend time on the Internet, only nerds sit in front of their computers all day.” You’d be dead wrong. I don’t care how many sports you played or how many chicks you screwed in high school, once you move into that dorm your internet productivity will at least triple, if not octuple. And just like high school it’s going to be important for you to be as well liked and popular as possible. First thing you should know is that we are currently approaching the year 3PMS (Three years post the creation of MySpace) in July 2006. To make sure you know exactly where you stand, here’s a point tracking guide so you can know your e-popularity.

• Owning a MySpace +1 point
• Having an equal comment:friend ratio. +3 points
• Having a positive comment:friend ratio. +5 points
• Picture Comments +1 point/comment
• Combined contacts over all IM programs +1 point for everyone you actually talk to, -1 point for everyone you don’t, and -1 point for everyone’s away message you check obsessively. Additionally add +2 points for everyone that checks your away message obsessively.
• If you have a more expansive knowledge of acronyms than the person you’re talking to give yourself +5 points. No1 on thr intrnt talks in fll sntnces.
• +1 point for every time you can fit “leave some love” into a bulletin.

Remember that lying on the Internet is way easier than IRL (In Real Life, you should get used to these). If I say that I’m “16/f/USA looking for older man to teach me right” or “14/m/Cambodia VERY curious” why shouldn’t you believe me? Lying on the Internet doesn’t only limit you to lying about your age/sex; you can also make up details about your life. ‘Occupation: Freelance Scientist’ is a favorite of mine, what girl wouldn’t want to date a scientist who plays by his own rules?